We’re on our phones… but the kids are NOT okay.
Mom guilt is the worst. I’ve been a mom for almost 17 years, and I know. We hear the nagging voice in our minds - we should be doing more / less / different / better for our kids. We’re messing them up. We’re failing them.
Very often this is actually not true. We can lose perspective, miss the forest of our parental adequacy for the trees of our mistakes, and beat ourselves up unnecessarily. But sometimes? It is true. And one place it’s often true is this: we are on our phones too much, as a society, and our kids are suffering.
In one study, psychology professor Tracy Dennis-Tiwary “had parents self-report their normal technology use and their child’s temperament. The children whose parents used their phones more had a harder time reconnecting with their parents and displayed fewer signs of happiness and curiosity overall.” Turns out kids aren’t happy (go figure) in settings when their parents are ignoring them in favor of their devices.
In their article “Parents are just as addicted to smart phones as their kids,” the New York Post writes: “Swipe as I do, not as I say… Almost one-third of parents think that their child’s use of a mobile device has hurt their relationship with their child (28%).” And in their follow-on article “Your phone addiction is traumatizing your kids,” the Post cites numerous children’s comments to therapists about the anguish they feel over their parents ignoring them for their phones. One says, “My mum is too busy she says, but she texts her friends all day. Why not tell me the truth? She is just avoiding me.” Another says, “I wish I was an important as their phone.”
This is the heartbreaking scenario we’re seeing unfold all across America and the West… and increasingly the whole world. This is the legacy of unfettered access to our devices, and the unrestrained whims of our own hearts.
Children are being neglected. Love is being denied where it’s due. Relationships are faltering. Leadership is being abdicated. Loneliness is growing. And the blame rests squarely on our shoulders - us adults. We’ve allowed our affections, indulgences, and habits to grow toward our devices, at the expense of our children and their best interest.
The smartphone is new, and the effects are still being reckoned and tallied. The great experiment is far from over. But a good bit we do know already. It’s not just the connections that are failing; it’s the modeling and training that’s occurring (and not) as well. As sociologist Sherry Turkle writes in Reclaiming Conversation:
By now, several “generations” of children have grown up expecting parents and caretakers to be only half there. Many parents text at breakfast and dinner, and parents and babysitters ignore children when they take them to playgrounds and parks. In these new silences at meals and at play time, caretakers are not modeling the skill of relationship, which are the same as the skills for conversation.
My friends, we must do better.
A life of flourishing is the result of often saying no to the self gratification of the moment in order to say yes to the bigger picture good - what causes thriving over the long term. Nowhere is this more true than in the way we use our own devices. The way we model wise use of our devices. The way we train and direct our kids in their devices.
Let’s not just be a little sad, for a second, about the picture that's painted here showing the distress and hopelessness of today’s kids. Let’s CHANGE IT. We can, together. We can be the different parents that handle devices differently with our children, and encourage other parents (without being jerks about it) to do the same. We can lead the charge.
We can first implement nudges to handle our own phone use wisely and moderately. And then we can help our kids chart a path to digital health themselves.
Here is my resource that lists options to help parents limit their tweens’/teens’ screen use. My take on the best router out there to limit internet time at home, the Gryphon. A link to the dumb phone we use for our middle schoolers, Gabb. Directions about how to make a smart phone a dumb phone. If you need more, check out Wait Until 8th, Screen Time Clinic, Better Screen Time, and Family Tech University.
Our children need our attention, love, guidance. They need to know they are our priority. Living well with our phones - and teaching them to do the same - is a huge part of how we do this in the modern era. Let’s have at it.
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We’re on our phones… but the kids are NOT ok.